A biological father but not a dad

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My Daughter and Son are now 13 and 11 and have not been in contact with their biological father for years and years now. We have been in our current house for 7 years and he’s not seen them once in that time. He doesn’t pay anything for them (he did for about a year but that’s it) They have received no cards or gifts for Birthday’s/Christmas, nothing. He contacts my Daughter very, very rarely. He never contacts my Son.

Myself and current OH (who they both call Dad) have never once said they cant see him or speak to him. We live in the Midlands and he lives in Kent, I moved away when my children were very young when we split up. But his mother and father, their grandparents have kept in contact with the kids and have visited so iv’e never hidden where we live. We got a divorce recently so he has my current address and phone number through that so he has absolutely no reason to not see them or contact them or send them cards.

Thankfully my Son wants nothing to do with him and just doesn’t worry over him at all. Unfortunately the same can’t be said for my daughter. I really wish she didn’t care so much, but she does. It’s made her ill a few times and once she even cut herself. I hate him for what he’s doing to her but I still don’t tell her what an awful person he is because she needs to see it for herself. She is starting to come around a little bit and seeing him for what he really is. A few weeks ago she messaged him on Facebook with this message

I’m sorry if this makes you upset but its really upsetting me how you cant be bothered to see me just because you have got mason and the other one but fair enough if you have got work but try and make an effort before I don’t wanna see you anymore, I would like you to start messaging me and get in contacts with me. I’m starting to think you don’t care and don’t love me. by the way you are treating me and Jordan like you hate us. you can fall out with me or show nanny this message and she can fall  out with me but I don’t care, I know who my true family are and that stay in contact with me not just care about there other children, I’m sorry if this has hurt you but I had to say it and get it out of my mind 

 

He has two other children that are about 18 months and newborn. It took him weeks to reply but he finally did last night and this is the conversation

HIM: Hello xxx

DAUGHTER; Did u read my message

HIM: Yes I did I don’t no what 2 say xx

DAUGHTER: Fine. I don’t want nothing to do with you now.

HIM: Y not? I have done nothing wrong

DAUGHTER: Really.

HIM: It’s not my fault u were taken away from me

DAUGHTER: U could still make an effort Nanny and Grandad came and saw me and kept in touch with me not like u

HIM: U mum does not like me contacting u

DAUGHTER: I am thirteen now and my mum has never done that

HIM: I can’t get up 2 u court x  (her name is Courtney you moron)

DAUGHTER: Why

HIM: I have not got a car

DAUGHTER: Train maybe?

HIM: I have not got the money otherwise I would

DAUGHTER: K

HIM: I wont 2 c u as I miss u

DAUGHTER: I said i don’t want anything to do with u so bye

If u love ur children that much why cant u walk

HIM: Walk? X

DAUGHTER: Yes walk what do u think i said

HIM: It’s a bit far 2 walk

DAUGHTER: So

HIM: It would take me days

DAUGHTER: so

HIM: ok

 

And that is how it was left. I can’t believe he tried to put the blame on me. Personally if it was the other way around I would walk for weeks to see my children, I would be without food to save to get the bus/train, I would hitchhike, I would move heaven and earth to see my children. He has no good reason to not keep in contact with them.

Now people I need your advice, where do I go from here? Do I do anything? I don’t like to see her hurting. I don’t want to contact him because one I don’t have a number for him and if I did I would just get abuse.

About teentweentoddler

Hi, I am a SAHM to 4. Two teens, a preschooler and a baby. This is where I share some of our ups and downs of life.
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3 Responses to A biological father but not a dad

  1. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, and you are quite right that she needs to figure out for herself what kind of person her dad is. For a mom it is hard to watch, hard not to want to try to fix things. Focus on showing her that the family she is in right now is a loving one; that her grandparents are loving; and most importantly, that his problems are his problems, and her worth and well-being are not dependent on him resolving them. That’s the sort of life lesson we all need, though it is sad when it has to come through someone a child wants to trust and look up to and find love and approval from. All of us, though, have to come to terms with the fact that the sometimes people we love disappoint us, because the people we love are human. If we can have compassion for their faults – while setting good boundaries – it helps us have compassion for our own.

  2. Pingback: Recurring arsehole! | TeenTweenToddler

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