Depression

It all started last Saturday. I woke in the morning with Harry after a restless night with him, I was so tired! The kind of tired where you are really struggling to keep your eyes open. The kids eventually got up and started being pains, the usual irritating things that they do as kids but it was getting to me more so than normal. I kept getting agitated and they could see that. They took Harry upstairs to play. Because they are 12 & 13 years old I asked them to play with Harry in his bedroom while I sleep for 1 hour in my room. Harry came in and out, they gave him a bottle of water and he tipped it everywhere and it was generally just stressful. I got up and took Harry downstairs after I shouted at the older two in tears saying I’m struggling and I really needed their help. It’s something I realise now I never should have done. I shouldn’t have asked them to look after Harry or to put it onto them that I was struggling. They felt guilty after and took him into the garden to play.

It was still the morning by this point as I was up so early with Harry. I decided to have a couple of days off social media because I don’t think that helps your mood sometimes.

I didn’t miss social media over the weekend at all. I came back on on Monday and I couldn’t be bothered to keep up with it and I can’t be bothered to blog.

I knew this was building up inside of me. I had a miscarriage while my SIL was pregnant, she’s just had her baby. I am really happy for her and I think her baby is beautiful but a little bit of me is overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like I don’t want to visit them.

I’m not happy with my body. I put on quite a bit with Harry and then when I fell pregnant again, I put on a bit then and since the miscarriage I have struggled to get it back off.

I also have a lot of guilt. I have three beautiful children, a loving partner, our wedding is booked, I have a lovely home, we always have food in the house, so why do I feel like this? What right do I have to feel down?

Sometimes I feel so alone, but I’m not alone so why?

About teentweentoddler

Hi, I am a SAHM to 4. Two teens, a preschooler and a baby. This is where I share some of our ups and downs of life.

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27 Responses to Depression

  1. Oh Sharon 🙁 You have every right to feel down – everyone does. Depression is an illness, just like any other. Ease up on yourself a little. Go and talk to your doctor – even if you don’t want medication, just talking to them might help. I felt like this last year, and was referred to an organisation called Healthy Minds – it is a Birmingham based place but I’m sure other places have similar organisations to help. They phoned me once a week for a chat, and sent me out some ‘worksheets’ and things to help me out. That, and a meditation app I downladed helped to clear my mind and get me back on track. Big hugs, and here if you ever need to chat!!! xx

  2. I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. It’s crazy how you think you’re doing OK then something comes to bite you and brings it all back. I too feel the hideous body insecurity and it makes me feel so down daily when getting dressed/undressed. I don’t know how to help but I couldn’t read & not comment so sending some love instead xxx

  3. The worst thing about depression is that it robs you of so much joy & leaves you with a horrible sense of guilt, because you feel terrible for feeling so bad when you have a lot more than most, but please remember it’s the depression & not you, it’s just how your feeling in this moment. Be gentle with yourself, you will get better however hard it is to see that right now. There are so many people who feel the same so please don’t think you are ever alone xx

  4. Depression is a terrible thing. You shouldn’t feel guilty for the way you feel. It is something I have struggled with too so I can understand how you are how you are feeling alone when you have people around. Sending you lots of love and I hope you find something that helps you through it xx

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  6. Caroline (Becoming a SAHM) says:

    Aww hon sounds like a really rough day, well done for getting it off your chest and it is completely understandable to be upset about the miscarriage, that kind of thing doesn’t just go away honey, You have 3 beatiful and caring kids and I hope you can come out the other side. Sending huge hugs! xx

  7. clairetiptop says:

    Never feel guilty !
    I tried to be friends with all and went things went wrong I tried so hard to correct and I impoded.
    I am going to CBT I do’t take tablets but that is my choice.
    I am here x
    I know how you feel .
    Crossness is part of it and believe me I used to take myself off for miles !
    now I don’t infact today i kicked the bin instead.
    hugs

    I have been treated in a subjective way while many understand some don’t and shun me yet understand me ~ folk are strange x

  8. suzanne3childrenandit says:

    Ah Sharon I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this and no wonder you feel sad and unable to go and visit your SIL’s baby, this is still very early days for you. I am sure your older two children will understand in time – it doesn’t always do them harm to see that we’re not coping well at times. Well done for getting this down on paper. xx

  9. You’ve been given lots of advice already so I won’t add, but I will say I hope things get better soon, depression is an illness and you need to take steps to get yourself well again xx

  10. Louisa says:

    I know exactly how you feel. I had a miscarriage 2 weeks before my niece was born and I couldn’t visit her or even listen to talk about her. I’m sure they understand.
    Sometimes it is too hard to see past your mood to appreciate the things that you have. Depression isn’t a logical thing but you must not feel guilty for your feelings. Talking about it really does help, even if it’s just getting it out in the open and not bottling it up. I second talking to your doctor or even your health visitor. I’ve been battling depression for a few years, some things work and some things don’t, you have to find what works for you. Give me a shout on twitter if you want a chat. Take care xx

  11. Karen Bell says:

    Don’t feel guilty. Having a miscarriage is not something you get over quickly. Try not to be hard on yourself and allow yourself plenty of time. Hope you feel better soon. x #WoTW

  12. Oh Sharon, don’t feel guilty. A miscarriage is a big deal and you can’t just expect to get over it. On top of that your SIL having her baby is going to stir up feelings that maybe you thought had gone away. It is totally understandable that you wouldn’t want to go and see them, it must hurt so much. Whatever you do, don’t bottle up your feelings. Talk to someone. Reach out for help. I really hope you’re feeling better soon hun. xxx

  13. sarahmo3w says:

    So sorry to read this. It’s no wonder the new baby has triggered this – you probably hadn’t fully recovered from the miscarriage.
    Don’t feel bad about shouting at the kids or about asking them to help – they are old enough to know that adults feel down, and old enough to help! I know I’ve yelled at mine too like this and I don’t think there’s any harm in them seeing your vulnerable side. They know you’re a loving mum and that’s all that matters.
    Don’t feel like ‘my life is good, I have no reason to be depressed’ because anyone can be depressed. Just look at Robin Williams, he must have had everything he wanted, but he still couldn’t be happy. Depression is an illness.
    Talk to a friend or go to the doctor. Nobody will think badly of you. x

  14. Kim Carberry says:

    Aww! So sorry you are feeling like this! I hope things are better for you soon! Hugs xx

  15. I’m so sorry to hear that this is how you’re feeling Sharon. But, please don’t feel guilty or apologetic, as you’ve suffered and understandably it will take time to recover. A new baby in the family, and overwhelming tiredness are huge strains, on top of your loss. I hope you can find someone to talk to soon, or do go and see your doctor and get some support xx #WotW

  16. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, it is not easy going through depression, I really hope you get the help you need to come through the other side #WotW

  17. I’ve only just seen this… I would say the doctor is a good idea – but think carefully before accepting a prescription as medication is not always the answer. If you can afford it, I’ve found that the thing that worked best for me was to go to the health food shop and buy fish oil supplement. I usually wait until Holland & Barrett have a penny sale or something and stock up. They don’t really advertise the fact that since our brains are mostly fat, a lack of fat can send our brains a bit crazy.

    Other than that, just keep plodding. Don’t expect too much from yourself. Don’t try and do too much – just the bare minimum will do. And cuddle Harry lots. This too shall pass x

  18. Oh I am really sorry – I would definitely talk to a doctor to see if they can suggest thing to help you.

  19. Mahala says:

    you’ve absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. No-one chooses depression. It doesn’t matter how much you have to be grateful for – depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and it pays no attention to all the good things you have. Do go to your doctor – you may be offered counselling as well as medication. Good luck!

  20. sophie says:

    Aw well done for talking about it and very brave writing about it on your blog. you have nothing to feel guilty about go to the doctors and ask for help hun you won’t regret it.

    Sophie
    xx
    http://www.pocockins.co.uk

  21. Not got anything different to add to all of the above – nothing I ever say is useful anyways! – but just know you’re not alone in how you’re feeling and I’m always about for you on here or the phone.
    We really must get our act together and find the chance to meet soon! xx

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