It all started last Saturday. I woke in the morning with Harry after a restless night with him, I was so tired! The kind of tired where you are really struggling to keep your eyes open. The kids eventually got up and started being pains, the usual irritating things that they do as kids but it was getting to me more so than normal. I kept getting agitated and they could see that. They took Harry upstairs to play. Because they are 12 & 13 years old I asked them to play with Harry in his bedroom while I sleep for 1 hour in my room. Harry came in and out, they gave him a bottle of water and he tipped it everywhere and it was generally just stressful. I got up and took Harry downstairs after I shouted at the older two in tears saying I’m struggling and I really needed their help. It’s something I realise now I never should have done. I shouldn’t have asked them to look after Harry or to put it onto them that I was struggling. They felt guilty after and took him into the garden to play.
It was still the morning by this point as I was up so early with Harry. I decided to have a couple of days off social media because I don’t think that helps your mood sometimes.
I didn’t miss social media over the weekend at all. I came back on on Monday and I couldn’t be bothered to keep up with it and I can’t be bothered to blog.
I knew this was building up inside of me. I had a miscarriage while my SIL was pregnant, she’s just had her baby. I am really happy for her and I think her baby is beautiful but a little bit of me is overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like I don’t want to visit them.
I’m not happy with my body. I put on quite a bit with Harry and then when I fell pregnant again, I put on a bit then and since the miscarriage I have struggled to get it back off.
I also have a lot of guilt. I have three beautiful children, a loving partner, our wedding is booked, I have a lovely home, we always have food in the house, so why do I feel like this? What right do I have to feel down?
Sometimes I feel so alone, but I’m not alone so why?