It’s not my fault!

not my fault

We’ve heard those words far too often from our tween (soon to be teen) lately. It has been driving me insane! At school the system of warnings and telling’s off are known as ‘stages’ stage 1 being a little telling off to stage 5 being before exclusion.

He has started getting regular stage ones, two’s and a couple of three’s and has even had a stage five!

But of course, it’s not his fault. The teachers are against him, his friends are bad influences etc etc. I’m by no means excusing him but he hasn’t exactly done anything terrible in a sense. I mean he hasn’t sworn at a teacher, beat up a pupil, set fire to a classroom, skipped lessons or anything like that BUT it’s still not acceptable.

The things he has done is eat/drink in class, put a pencil under a pupils bottom (this one is definitely not acceptable and he was punished) got into a fight, giggled in class, not listening, back chatting, things similar to this.

All of those things really frustrate me and I am really disappointed in him but the thing that get’s to me the most is he takes absolutely no responsibility for any of it, he always thinks it’s someone else’s fault. We’ve explained to him that no one forces him to do any of these things, it’s always his own choice, so ultimately is his fault. He eventually does say it is his fault but then ends it with but…..

What can I do? I’ve tried everything I can. I think our parenting is pretty good, we’re not wash over’s but not too strict either. We punish what needs punishing but also give them plenty of opportunities to show us how mature they can be. Is it just his age? My teen daughter didn’t go through any of this, so is it just a boy thing?

Please do comment if you have any advice, it would be much appreciated 🙂

About teentweentoddler

Hi, I am a SAHM to 4. Two teens, a preschooler and a baby. This is where I share some of our ups and downs of life.
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21 Responses to It’s not my fault!

  1. I have no advice but from what I can recall from my siblings, cousins and nieces of a similar age, it’s pretty normal to not accept the responsibility at this age. It must be frustrating that it’s so many little things. I hope you get some advice.

  2. Lyn Bown says:

    We went through a similar phase with Alexander a couple of months ago. He got put on report, which I asked for. This really helped him refocus. He knew how upset I was with him and I think he realised he had to behaviour. I actually got a call from school the other week, telling me how well he’s doing. I’m pretty sure he’ll turn the corner soon. X

  3. I have no wise words, but do you think that he is not being challenged and is bored?

    I am sure I have this all to come as my boys grow up!

  4. Sonia says:

    Well it certainly doesn’t sound like he’s a bad kid and I’m sure he will grow out of this stage, I have no real advice for you. Maybe it’s attention seeking. I had a lot of underlying issues when I was little and I wish my parents/teachers had realised this instead of believing I was just a naughty girl.

  5. Suzanne says:

    My 10 yr old is going through a similar stage and I always remind him that he is the only one responsible for his actions. No one else. Then I let him suffer the consequences. If it’s at school then I think school should deal with it. Really tricky though.

  6. Sarah Ebner says:

    I feel for you. When he explains what happens and eventually admits it is his fault, what happens next? What is the but? What would he think if he read the post and knew how much you were suffering? Would that help him do you think? Can you give him an incentive to behave well – something he would like, that he has to behave for – a sort of grown up reward chart? What would happen if you spoke to the school and they gave him some sort of responsibility which he would lose with misbehaviour – I wonder if that would work? Hope it all gets better soon….

  7. A lot of this sounds like low-level disruption to me. The pencil incident and the fight sound a little more serious though. Maybe he is not being challenged enough/is bored? Is he showing off in front of friends, maybe? Has he made new friends recently? Has it just been this term? I know many children are exhausted by now and behaviour can deteriorate. Has something bothered him/is he worrying about something and misbehaving to get your/his teacher’s attention? Many children go through this stage but I do think that you need to keep re-enforcing that it is his choice and if he makes a poor choice, that there are consequences. Which I am sure you have been doing but I think that it is just continuing to be consistent in your approach/sanctions/rewards that will most likely get through to him. Sometimes things like this can take a while to get through to them. I hope things improve soon x.

  8. Michelle says:

    Unfortunately I don’t have any advice for you… has he said why he does these things (especially the more naughtier ones)? As others have said, perhaps he is bored/not being challenged enough in school?

  9. If you can’t get to the bottom of why he’s doing it then I would be taking his phone (if he has one) and banning all electronics indefinitely until you can see that he’s behaving better at school. I’d also ask for him o be put on report so you can see his behaviour in every lesson. x x

  10. Sonya Cisco says:

    Sounds familiar, both my older ones are hopeless at taking responsibility – one even blames the dog for stuff!

  11. Michelle says:

    Kids hey! I’m afraid I don’t have any advice, my boy is going through a similar phase so I feel for you! xx

  12. Rachel says:

    My sister is going through this right now with my nephew and she is tearing her hair out. She has tried grounding him, banning him from the PS3, no facetime and so on, nothing has worked. So my dad (his grandad) took him for a day out in the hope he would open up. Turned out half the stuff he did was a dare from ‘friends’ and if he didn’t do whatever it was, they would bully him x

  13. Erica Price says:

    No advice I’m afraid. Must be frustrating if he’s not taking responsibility for things.

  14. How I wish I had some wise words for you but sadly I’ve no experience in this area yet as my two are much younger, but I wish you lots of luck with resolving it and can only imagine how stressed you’re feeling by it all.

  15. I’m not sure how you punish the behaviour already but I think grounding and removing technology (or whatever his fav hobby is) may be the way forward. He has to earn the things he enjoys – good luck xx

  16. Can you explain the situation to him in another way to try and gain some understanding. Sort of like, ‘if another child did …… to (someone they care about, friend/family member/ pet) whose fault would you think that was?’ Sometimes people can see that their own actions are wrong when they see others do the same thing even though they can’t (or refuse) to see it in themselves.

    While my children have not acted this way I know exactly what you mean after dealing with an adult who was never to blame. I hope you manage to make some progress soon. Hopefully it’s just a phase of growing 🙂

  17. Globalmouse says:

    I’m really sorry I have no advice except to say that I’m sure it is just a learning phase…kids take ages to realise they have to be responsible and I’m sure it will come. Good luck!

  18. Ickle Pickle says:

    Hopefully it is just a phase – I am sorry (not sorry) to say none of my children behaved in this way, so I can’t offer any advice. I always use ‘ignore the bad, praise the good.’ Not sure if it will help, as your problem seems to be at school. Good luck. Kaz x

  19. My daughter didn’t do this either, and my son isn’t really old enough yet, so I have no personal experience to offer! I would say, though, hang in there, if you know you are tackling it, it will most likely pass. Personally, I would make sure I stayed in good contact with the school, because they also have a responsibility to ensure he has an opportunity to make good choices. Is always worth making time to allow your son to discuss any problems he might be having at school as well. Good luck! xx

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